My Story: The most vulnerable I’ve ever been

Hold on tight, this is a vulnerable one!

My name actually isn’t Holly Berry. It’s Holly Wang. My nickname is Holly Berry. It always has been since I was a little girl and then the name was given a re-birth in high school. I’ve noticed that when I am Holly Berry, I am bright and positive and honestly the best version of myself I could be. 🍓

I’ve always been bold, confident, outgoing, and athletic. I always excelled in school. I graduated early from university with two Bachelor degrees. I also graduated with a Masters degree early in life. I have been a mental health practitioner, child mental health therapist, nanny, anti-human trafficking advocate and bilingual domestic violence support person. I am a polyglot (I speak English, Spanish, and Chinese in various levels) and have a passion for working with kids, being creative, and making people happy.

I’ve always been self-reliant, making my own decisions, my own money, and not having to change any parts of myself for anyone or anything.

Fast forward to when I got married and then had my first baby. ⏭️

Have you heard of the flamingo reference? Flamingos are a bright pink, right? Well, after giving birth, a mother flamingo slowly loses all of her color, making her white and pale. It isn’t until her baby is much older that she regains her color again. 🦩

That is EXACTLY how I’ve felt these past 4 years.

I knew I lost my color, and at one point I also knew that I wasn’t Holly Berry anymore. I was a version of myself that was so far from everything I’ve wanted to be as a mother: bitter, tired, and mad that I didn’t have time to be myself anymore. 😔

After I got married, I moved across the country and was a full-time stay at home mom. Not only did I miss working as a therapist and being near all of my friends and family, but I felt like I had absolutely no purpose in life besides being a mom.

Nothing was about me from that point forward, it was about what worked better for the family. AKA, I stay home while my husband goes to his “more important, better paying” job. 💰

I had to figure out how I was going to live like this.

Sure, I could always connect with my friends from back home, but when you are so far away from home, you lose touch with your community and you miss your childhood friends dearly, and don’t even know what to talk about when you do happen to reach out. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I cried myself to sleep because I missed people from home.

Yes, I had my husband.

Now, my husband, while we were dating, and before we were married, he was in law school. This meant that he did not move from his computer and studied at the library for many many hours until he graduated. When we did move across the country for his job, he worked nearly 80 hours a week, sometimes slept at work, and I was left to be pregnant by myself and also be the primary caretaker of the house with our child.

I was honestly a married single mom. 👩‍👦

I learned a lot about myself and what I like and what also helps parents that have no help or support.

My husband and I couldn’t live like this anymore or something would break. So we did something absolutely insane.

In a matter of two weeks, my husband quit his job at one of the highest ranked law offices in the whole country. We sold all of our belongings, including my car, and most of my possessions, and we moved to another country.

Specifically, China.

During the pandemic.

….🫠

For those of you who know me personally you know that my husband is from China. You probably also know that I love my community in the US, and I’m very passionate about culture, learning other languages, and mental health. I knew that I would be using all of my gifts and interests during this journey.

However, this journey would prove to be the hardest I’ve ever been on, as a newer mom who is now leaving her country and leaving everybody and everything I know for a place I would have to start over again in. ↪️

But we had a dream. We wanted to do something revolutionary to help parents just like ourselves be able to effortlessly spend more time with their children. Someday soon I hope to share exactly what we’ve been working on.

Back to my story. 📖

While we were in China, my life was not easy. Everybody stared at me. Even people there questioned my name, because why would I have a Chinese name? Honestly, the name has never felt like mine. Not the way Holly Berry feels. Overall I had no idea what anybody was saying except through a translator or my husband. Hell, I even went to the bathroom and ate my food wrong. it felt like every single thing I was and existed for was wrong. 😔

I questioned my life choices a lot thinking how did I get here? I have so many people at home who love me for who I am. But this is not who I am. This can’t possibly be the best version of myself or even an OK version of my story and who I am.

The facts were I had no community. I had no friends. I had people telling me I’m wrong. I’ve made a mistake. So I internalized that.

What people back home see is an adventure, but more than anything I longed for the moment I got to be home. 🏡

Funny enough, I had to realize that home isn’t exactly a place. Sure, environment and your physical surrounding are insanely important, but it is who you surround yourself with, who you hear from the most, and who is really there for you when you need to spill your guts and have a cry. 🥲

I wasn’t taking care of myself for years. I was only a mother and wife and that was it, and I didn’t let anyone know that I wasn’t well.

…and then I snapped. 💔

I was in the hospital weekly, lost nearly 20 pounds, couldn’t eat, even got to the point of having a mini-stroke and migraines that made me temporarily lose my sight. My body was telling me to surrender; make a change or pay for it.

Little did I know, I was pregnant again.

Just as I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I was buried again, and again I needed to learn.

Enough of this would make anyone break. 💔

I started doubting myself. How was I once a mental health practitioner? How was I once a therapist and now not able to help myself?

How did I get here?

Why can’t I breathe? 😮‍💨

I didn’t have people surrounding me and comforting me the ways I like to be comforted. I didn’t have direct access to a friend that could speak my language.

I was never reminded “HEY, go take a nap and pamper yourself! Go take a walk, go take your time doing something you love, and I’ll take over for a bit.”

THAT is the reason I am here for you today. 💌

I got out of that mindset and started helping MYSELF by putting routines in place that not only helped me but helped my whole family better ourselves.

I made time for myself and demanded it be prioritized loud and clear. I found my voice. I started feeling myself again. And in turn, my whole family benefited.

This blog includes my vast knowledge and experience with mental health and the mental load of parenting, even if you have all the qualifications on paper to be an amazing parent.

We all need support from time to time, and asking for it is weird and hard and vulnerable. ❤️‍🩹

But, why not have a place to go to see if there are answers for what you’re going through?

I hope this can be that place.

My vision is to gather many far and wide together in a central place on the web to share and support each other through stories, support, and comfort. 🌎

If you’re wondering where I am today, and where that story ends. the answer is, i’m still on that journey, just learning along the way on this crazy thing called parenthood.

You are hearing from someone (I hope we can call each other a friend? 🥹) that has been there, done the work, and is continuing to use the best tools I can to be back to my “berry best self” as a parent and personally. 🍓

If you have a similar story, I would love to hear from you! Comment below or send me an email!

Subscribe to my pep-talk email list if you haven’t already. I will be sharing a Monday morning pep-talk to start your week and sharing resources and things that help and that I love along the way! 🫶🏼